I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
