Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
