You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
