Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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