You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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