You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
