I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
