So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
