Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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