Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
