Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
bring money and cleavage
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
