i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
