Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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