he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
We smell like vodka and hangover
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
