I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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