How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
