Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
