So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
