I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
