It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
