My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
