Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize