so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
