Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
