Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She even gives head with a lisp.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
