im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
