Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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