why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
