Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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