whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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