I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
