I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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