we made out on top of his cat.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
