We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
