My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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