I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
