The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Randomize
