i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
third nipple confirmed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
