this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
