True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
where does the pee come out of this thing
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
