whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize