the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
