Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
