I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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