All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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