I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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