your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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