You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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