The maid of honor just puked.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
