Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
