whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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