and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
