I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
