Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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