And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
