am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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