Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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