no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
