FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
