Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize